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Michael Jackson Isn?t Dead And We Know Why

Posted on July 1, 2009 at 2:23 PM

Despite the whole event of Michael Jackson?s death being covered by every news agency and blog around the world, some people don?t think he died.


Appently, it?s just one giant lie that has been cooked up to relieve the stress from his weak shoulders. Yes, we think it?s rubbish too, but we?re not ultrasensitive, arse-kissing, fanboy conspiracy nutjobs.So, the big question has to be, is

So, the big question has to be, is Michael Jackson dead? Or is he in a magical and mystical place full of fairies, gnomes and hobbits? It seems unlikely - he was hardly the master of disguise, was he? Just because you sometimes get pushed around in a wheelchair, it doesn?t automatically make you an evil genius.

Still, it hasn?t stopped bored internet users shitting out wild and wacky theories as to why Michael Jackson?s sudden death is nothing more than an elaborate, if somewhat untimely, April Fool?s joke. If his Twitter feed has been hijacked to say he?d kicked the bucket, we would have laughed off the idea. But having what with all the paramedics and 911 calls, it seems pretty serious. Unless someone made a prank call! The fiend!

Using our in-depth knowledge of Michael Jackson, we want to toss our own theories into the ring as to fully explain why the king of pop isn?t dead:

1) He?s a shape shifter. Think about it, one day he went from a badass black dude with slick dance moves to a wimpy white man. Jackson obviously has the ability to change his appearance and he became bored of being a frail middle-aged man. For all we know he could be a tree, park bench or even an ice-cream cone. You could have just licked his face. Ugh, you just licked Michael Jackson?s face.

2) Michael Jackson is off to find Bubbles. You may have noticed that, before he died, there was an American version of I?m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Monkeys, apes and chimps all belong in the jungle and that?s where Bubbles would have been sent to after he apparently started dry-humping people?s legs and pissing on carpets. Michael may have wanted to be reunited with his hairy ex-pal after being inspired by the jungle show.

3) He?s off to find the celebrity death island. When famous people die, they don?t go to heaven. Instead, they all wind up on a tiny island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean ? this is what Lost is based on. After realising that Princess Diana, 2Pac, Biggie Smalls and Hitler would be there, perhaps he wanted to join the party early? Who wouldn?t when the dress code consists of nothing but brightly-coloured hula skirts?

4) He pocketed the money from the gigs in London he?ll never complete and plans to fly to the moon. This is Michael Jackson we?re talking about people; he was world famous for his moonwalk. Blasting off in a rocket ship to live there means he has his own unique paradise.

Some say he died due to the stress of rehearsing for his gigs and downing plenty of painkillers. But this is Michael Jackson we?re talking about. Anything he does has to be crazy and off the wall!

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